Almost Christmas

So… It’s almost Christmas. Another year has almost passed and now is the time for reflection and resolutions. The boys are 7 and 3 and life has become “normal” (Lord it’s taken almost 4 years to say that). BJ has now played two years of football and is in basketball. B2 is a potty trained (during the day) dictator. And is such a character. And life is… pretty ok.

I just took a walk through my blog posts for the past few years and YOWZA. It has been (and sometimes still is) rough. Reading some of the emotionally charged and distraught posts took me so far back. I could see myself sitting on my bed crying as I typed some of them… and I wish I could give myself a hug and say “just keep holding on girl…” Don’t get me wrong I still have my moments. I still can’t believe B is gone sometimes. But I’ve finally processed the “this is my life” part. It’s so hard to want a life that is IMPOSSIBLE to have. And that’s what I spent a lot of the first couple of years wanting. I still wish my life looked different. I wish my boys were able to have a relationship with their dad, I wish he’d been able to be one of the ones on the sidelines Saturday mornings cheering on their sons. I wish my partnership/team was still in tact. But I’ve accepted that where I am is where I am… and there’s not enough wishing in the world to change that. I’m a widow. God’s plan was EXTREMELY different than mine.

Acceptance… is a tricky thing. The definition is “the action of consenting to receive or undertake something offered.” In my situation what is being offered is non optional. I had no choice but to eventually accept life as it is… because nothing I could do will change it. Accepting it doesn’t mean I’m happy about it, more so that I’ve created a level of peace with things. It will be 4 years in March… and somewhere along the way it just kind of happened. I looked up and realized that I was no longer angry or resentful. I was actually just living. And for once, I didn’t feel guilty about it.

When I said “I do” I meant every single vow I said. Byron was my everything… and I’m so grateful to have been his wife. But, our vows were fulfilled much sooner than I could ever imagine. I will always love and miss him. I’ll always have “what ifs” because I have two mini Byron’s running around my house every day. Our boys will know who he was through my keeping his memory alive for them… And I will honor his memory as much as possible… but I’ll also continue to grow and create a new life for us. And I can only hope that our new life has just as much happiness as our old one did.

Whether or not I accomplished my resolution to find my happiness this year depends on how you look at it. I traveled. I became a sports mom. I made friends. I started dating again. I became acquainted with the new me… and accepted that who I was before March 5, 2014 is gone. I don’t know about finding my happiness… but I found contentment. And I found my new self. Who knows what 2018 will bring?

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