Have you ever worried that by saying things are going well you’ll end up opening the door for something bad to happen. It’s almost like bad juju finds you the minute you find some sort of contentment. I’ve found that I hold my breath through periods like this. I almost feel like nothing good will last.

My life hasn’t been blessed with an even and steady amount of good tidings and cheer. LOL. It’s been such a roller-coaster that when I reach the top I steady myself for the impending drop instead of enjoying the view. I wrote a post yesterday about finally feeling like I was in a decent place and I’ve felt semi unnerved ever since. How physiologically f*cked off can a person be?

I was talking to a friend about whether or not I wanted more kids. I told her outside of the fact that I was high risk and all of that jazz… that I was scared to get pregnant because something bad always happens. I’ve never actually enjoyed a pregnancy. The first one ended in bed rest and a 24 weeker (hubby and I weren’t married at the time) and I lost my husband a month after we found out we were pregnant with our second. My pregnancies are jixed. Two kids later and I still don’t know what it’s like to look forward to a baby, with belly rubs and my husband rubbing my back. I don’t want to go through another traumatic event so I’m staying away from pregnancy. She looked at me like I’d lost my mind. Apparently that logic only made sense to me.

Do I need to see a therapist? Will this always be the way I feel? Am I just one of those people who will never be able to enjoy happiness for more than a minute? How does one get to a point in life where they can just be along for the ride? I want to just relax and take things as they come for a little bit without overthinking. Or planning for the worst. Maybe this thought process is just a bi product of emotional trauma. I’m not sure.

Random blog post… just spitting out thoughts.

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