Yesterday was one of those in my head days… where I analyze EVERYTHING. Realize nothing in my life is up to par and kind of go to bed irritated (because nothing is right!). I had a million thoughts that I wanted to write about… And ended up just kind of ranting and pressing post (a lot like I’ve done on this one so far). I’ve been trying to think about things I want to accomplish in 2018. Not necessarily new years resolutions… just small goals that will keep me on track with the direction I’d like my life to be headed in. My problem, I can’t figure out what I want those goals to be.
I know what I want my life to look like. I just can’t figure out a plan of action to get there. More money, getting out and networking, going back to school, becoming healthier, closer to God, helping my kids create better relationships with God, being a more patient and relaxed mom… these are just a few of the things. If I’m being honest with myself I’d confess that often times I’m struggling. Keeping my kids active, working full time, helping BJ get caught up with school (he’s been struggling a bit) and just the normal day to day things are A LOT sometimes. And the weight gets heavy. I have the ability/curse of being able to procrastinate and stick my head in the sand. When I get overwhelmed I can kind of disconnect and go through the motions. So from the outside looking in it looks like I’m doing great but to the observant one… I’m just doing the bare minimum to make it through the day. Which means a lot gets skipped and my level of anxiety and feelings of being overwhelmed increase. Its a vicious cycle. And one that I’d like to get off of.
I used to think of finding love again as a way to get things on track. Meet a man, get married, and he can be the second set of hands that I need. He can take some of the burden off and I can finally breathe again. But, that’s not really the answer to my problems either. I don’t need anyone to save me. I need to save myself. I think when I do that the level of peace and accomplishment I’ll feel will make everything worth it. Plus, I’m not all together sure that lightening will strike twice for me. I’m just not that lucky.
Growing up people used to say my family was the Huxtables (cosby show). And we kinda were. I couldn’t have asked for a better family. My dad was my superhero and my mom was AMAZING. Ours was the house everyone wanted to be at. My parents were the ones who picked kids up and took them with us to different events. They ran the church youth group, my dad coached our softball and basketball teams, he followed the school bus to track meets and never missed one single one for my 6 years. SIX YEARS. We were a middle – upper class family who lived in suburbia… what to most was the American dream. My upbringing was fantastic.
So, the contrast of where I’m at in life is a hard pill to swallow. I NEVER wanted to be a single parent. I did everything I could to keep that from happening… and it seemed like I hit the lottery… until B died. Now, I’ll admit, I do make pretty good money. But, single parenthood kind of makes it stretch less far. I do my absolute best to give the boys what I had growing up but I’m just one person… I can’t be everywhere at once so that limits the number of activities the kids can do. And I get tired, and impatient and frustrated. I can’t hand the boys off to a spouse when I’ve had a shitty day at work. I have to bring my bad mood home and try not to take it out on an undeserving little person. Which is HARD.
So these goals that I have… are goals that will get me closer to being a better mom, employee and person. They’re important!! Because 2017 was kind of a flop. I need to focus like never before… And stick to them, if I could just figure out exactly what they are..