And then… life happened. Now I have no idea which way is right or wrong. I can’t tell if the little voice telling me to run is telling me to do so because the person I’m dealing with is a threat to my peace and happiness… or if it’s telling me to run because staying would open me to the possibility of hurt and my heart may not mend if it’s shattered again.
I’ve trusted a couple of snakes a long the way. And it bothers me… the traits I could spot a mile away before I met B I couldn’t see!! And that SCARES ME!! I don’t trust myself anymore. And I can’t trust anyone else to have good intentions… because it just doesn’t seem like many people do anymore. The selfishness that consumes people makes them unable to care about how their actions affect anyone but themselves. So I have to be in a heightened state of self preservation… but did I mention I’m not sure if I’ve been preserving myself very well? I mean… I don’t trust my intuition.
The way I can usually recognize my tribe? Is the way stand in for me. The way they show up. But I’ve realized that even people who show up sometimes are only doing it for gain. I can’t use that anymore. I have no measuring stick. So I’ll have to use the risk/reward ratio. The only way to win big is to risk big. And I’m not sure I’m ready for that. I don’t have it in me to lose big. My soul can’t take it… and I’m not sure I can put myself together again twice. Not without using bitterness as tape, or depression as glue. I need a sure thing. I have to bet on a sure thing… or not at all.
So I’m stuck. Running. And getting more and more tired of the race.