Today is day 8 with no sugar… And… I want some chocolate so bad I can’t even think straight. Like I can actually taste the snickers. I am FEIGNING for a SNICKERS. But also, I feel less bloated and I think (could be my imagination) that my pants feel about 2 sizes too small instead of the could burst any minute feeling I was getting the week before last… baby steps.
Last weekend was yet another (Jesus why do I do this to myself) football weekend. I’m BJ’s team mom so… we pretty much spend half of the day on the football field on Saturday’s since B2 is playing flag this year. I organized my closet and then spent a Sunday running errands and getting ready for the week (our typical weekend). Sleeping has NOT been easy lately. I can’t really pinpoint why but it’s been pretty awful. So yesterday I bought a essential oil diffuser and some lavender essential oil, and two new pillows. At this point I’ll try anything. And what do you know, the sound of the diffuser combined with the smell… I SLEPT ALL NIGHT!!! I may have found my solution. I don’t like to take sleeping pills because I want to be able to be alert if the boys need me. So it’s been an exhausting few weeks.
On the relationship front… the guy I met who took me out on the amazing dates ended up being a dud. LOL. Whod’a guessed it (Me!!!). We just couldn’t get the communication thing down. And I’m a big proponent of “If he wants to he’ll do it.” He didn’t so…. on to the next. I spent most of Friday pissed about it, then Saturday kinda in a funk… then yesterday I heard a preacher talk about how sometimes we react in anger when we’re scared. And I had to be honest with myself. I’m not really angry that things didn’t work out with the chef. I wasn’t emotionally invested enough to have the strong feelings that I had. Instead, I was scared. I’m scared that this lack of connection was going to continue to happen. I’m scared that I’ll look up and another 5 years will have passed without love. I’m scared that my boys will never know what a successful marriage looks like first hand, and that there will never be a man that wants the ENTIRE package instead of just pieces.
You can’t heal yourself unless you diagnose the problem. So there was clarity and oddly some relief to be able to identify what I was feeling. I know there is nothing I can do about it. But at least next time I want to rage at every man on earth I can fight the battle I’m having within instead of raging at external factors.
On an entirely different note:
My baby boy got a haircut. He’s been begging me to cut it like “a big boy” like his brother and I finally gave in. Be still my heart. I love these little boogers so much my heart could just bust. Here’s the before and after.