Stressed the Heck Out…

It’s been a while since I’ve logged on to do some writing… Life has been CRAZY lately. Actually I’ll retract the work life and insert the word WORK. Work has been driving me absolutely insane. I’m an accountant. I went to school to become an accountant and am actually working on my Master’s degree with a focus on Accounting. I like numbers… I like the routineness of looking at a ledger and finding out what happened during the month that caused fluctuations. But, with accounting comes MONTH END CLOSE; a crazy process that happens every month to close the ledger of one month and then begin the next month’s accounting process.
I find that more and more lately my mind drifts home during the day. Not your usual “what should I fix for dinner tonight” or “Did I remember to take the clothes out of the washer and put them in the dryer?” sort of thought process… but more to a “should I be doing this” sort of area. I stayed at home with BJ for his first year. Then off to daycare he went and back to the land of accounting I went. I knew that I’d work late during the first week of the month and Dear Hubby knew it too. We planned for it and I was happy with my decision. I’ve always taken pride in my career and have always had desire to move up the ladder.
Recently my stand of all of that has begun to waiver. I miss planning my day. I miss playing with BJ and putting him down for a nap… I miss doing the things I WANT to do during the week. Weekends are beginning to feel so short. There’s not enough time to get my BJ fun in… with running errands and doing everything that NEEDS to be done. It feels as though Sunday afternoons are the only time that I have to fit in all of the giggles and laughter that I yearn for while I’m sitting at my desk at work.
I feel like my life right now is full of DECISIONS. Not small “should I, shouldn’t I” decisions… but life altering scary ones. Do I want to continue to work or do I want to stay at home? There are so many what ifs in that equation. Should we have another baby or shouldn’t we? I know what my heart wants… but again… there are so many unknowns. BJ’s prematurity and my ‘incompetent cervix’ make that decision quite the monstrosity. We’ve pretty much come to a conclusion in that departments but the fear of the unknown is killing me.
But, shouldn’t we all ENJOY life? Shouldn’t we be happy with what we do and where we’re at? Or does being an adult with adult responsibilities mean that we forever err on the side of caution? These decisions are wreaking havoc on my mind and stress level lately. And I’m nowhere near closer to deciding what the right decision is than I was yesterday or the day before.

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3 Replies to “Stressed the Heck Out…”

  1. I think which ever side of this decision we’re on it is confusing as hell.

    I gave up a 6 figure salary to stay home with Monkey. I miss the money, and sometimes going back to work seems VERY appealing. Other times I am super thankful that I have the opportunity to stay home. There is no winning.

    At the moment I’ve been working on a project of my own in my spare time. Its been consuming literally every minute I have to myself. Its about to go live and hopefully make me rich (I wish!). But now I’ve had offers of paid work from other places and I have to decide if I want them or not. They would be crammed into my life in place of this other project, and my naive intentions of making Monkey a quiet book for his birthday will be well and truly dead!

    Sorry, I guess that spewing all about myself all over your blog isn’t very helpful! I guess all I have to offer is company in the angst!

  2. I can so relate to your feelings, however I’m on the opposite side of the fence. Q is now 2 and I’m still home with him and my husband is in no hurry for me to return to work full time. I truly have those days when I miss the rat race of Corporate America. Afterall, I’m college educated, I had a great career with a software company and I was good at my job and here I am at home with this 2 y/o everyday all day. But on the other hand I can’t imagine getting everything done while working FT. First of all I would definitely have to get an housekeeper and I would still have to learn to operate on 4 hours sleep on a regular basis. But I love spending the quality time with him, being available for all of his therapy appointments, and being an active and involved parent for my 4 y/o class at school. However mom has for find time for her personal satisfaction. So I’ve tried to find some PT projects that I find fulfilling that allows me to use my brain for more than the Wheels on the Bus and Elmo the Musical. But all in all I have to give my husband a huge “shout out” for being a great husband/father and allowing me the opportunity to spend this precious time with the children.

    1. Tanya it sounds like you got the perfect balance. Being able to work on PT projects sounds wonderful. Just enough work to keep your brain from going to mush. LOL. I’d love that opportunity. But, in the accounting field it’s very hard to come by! I miss the quality time so much. But things are looking up now that it’s summer time and the weather is a bit nicer… we’ve been able to get out and about and see some parts. I’m planning a trip to the zoo in the near future, he’s never been! I’m super excited.

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