The things I remember…

Your laugh. Your deep baratone voice. The way your eyes almost closed when you smiled. The way you could never get enough of BJ. The way you said Kris… the way you called me Kristen when you were mad. The way you called me babe so much BJ called me babe too. The way you automatically opened one arm when I got into bed so that I could put my head on your chest… right next to your neck where it fit so perfectly. How cheerful you were in the mornings. How safe I always felt with you. How I never questioned your love. The way you rocked BJ to sleep every single night. The way you refused to stop when I said he was too big. The way you cried when you found out we were having a boy. How mad you got when anybody made me mad. How you secretly loved country music and knew all the words to every song. How compassionate you were. How you bought your employees food for lunch and then would take the leftover food to a bridge in South Dallas to give to homeless people. How you did it for years and I never knew you did it. How selfless you were. How I had to force you to stop pulling over and giving rides to stranded people because it was dangerous. How you went to church and would go anyways when I didn’t feel like going. How you took BJ to Wednesday night bible study by yourself because I never made it home in time. How you loved our little boy and your daughter with all of your heart. How you would laugh when y’all wrestled and boxed. How horrible you were at holidays. How broad your shoulders were. How cheap you were. How you and BJ would watch basketball. How you remembered to send me flowers. How you let me have my way. Your temper. How your eyes lit up when you saw your daughter. How you made me laugh when I was mad. How if you couldn’t make me laugh you would bear hug me and force me to kiss you before you let me go. How mad it made me when you did that. How I always felt less mad after I kissed you. How irritating you were when you watched Alabama play. How we’d gossip together. How devastated you were when Alabama lost. How you told the same stories over and over. How much I loved your hands. How huge they were. How you’d grunt at me when I talked to you while you were watching sports. How I always knew you’d been home during the day when if the tv was on ESPN when I got home. How much you loved what you did. How I knew you were gone before I got to the hospital. How much I wish you’d met B2. How much I know you’d love him. How lost I felt. How lost I feel. How I still want to talk to you about the boys. How your best friend screamed when I told him. How your mother screamed when I told her. How I put my head on your chest and held your hand until your body turned cold. How my life changed in the blink of an eye. How big our house felt without you in it. How BJ used to ask me when you were coming home. How much I hated waking up without you. How I used to cry at my desk at work. How I learned that I could cry in the car and the kids couldn’t tell. How I feel guilty sometimes for being mad at you for leaving me. How heavy it all feels sometimes. How I learned that it’s easier to look happy than it is to look depressed. How I couldn’t understand how life could keep moving forward without you. How I never expected to do life without you. How hard it’s been to do life without you. I’d give up everything to have you back. How torn I am to move forward with my life. How I haven’t figured out how to love my life without you. How I want to love my life without you. But I promised you I’d give them what we’d planned. How you’re still such a huge part of our lives even though you’re not here… after 3 short but very long years. Continuing our journey alone. Knowing in my heart that you’re cheering me along every step of the way. 

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