Today God spoke to me through one of my dearest friends… BJ’s Godmother. She knows more than anyone what it feels like to go through what we went through with BJ when he was born prematurely. Her path and mine have a lot of similarities… God definitely put her in my life for a reason. And along the way she’s become more than a friend, she’s become one of my main confidants. She’s an optimistic realist (I know it’s an oxymoron but you have to know her to understand). And because she’s such a realist she doesn’t really judge a lot of the crazy halfcocked things that I say.
For the sake of her identity (since I’ve never asked her about mentioning her in my blog) I’ll call her D. I wrote yesterday about having baby fever and being scared of another trip to the NICU but what I didn’t talk about (because I felt like it was too personal) was my feelings of guilt. I worked through a lot of the guilt I felt about not making it full term with BJ. I blamed myself and my body for not being able to do what it was designed to do for a long time. I recounted the walks I took in the morning and the different things I did leading up to his birth… I went through the what if’s and beat myself to death for not realizing sooner that something wasn’t right. I felt like I failed BJ for a long time after his birth. These feelings are feelings that most people wouldn’t understand. I thought I’d moved past a lot of that… until recently.
Yesterday my self-doubt crept back in….along with the realization that the one thing that has kept me from embracing trying for another baby has been my worry that by doing so I’d be acting selfishly. The constant question in my mind (though never spoken out loud until this morning) was “Am I being selfish?” Is it fair to put another child through what we went through with BJ? Especially knowing that the odds of me having a full term baby are slim. Is my desire for a full and complete family foolishly overshadowing the health of my unborn child thus making me a bad mom before even giving birth? Am I wearing rose colored glasses? Should I just decided to give up and play it safe?
I told D about my blog post yesterday and then, because she’s one of the few people I know who “gets it,” I told her my worry about being selfish. And her reply was that “God ordains pregnancy”… “You can try all you want but if it isn’t what God wants it isn’t going to happen.” Her response brought tears to my eyes, these were the words that I needed to hear. I felt like a weight had been lifted. Because in all of the pep talks I’d given myself about having faith I hadn’t thought about the fact that while God saved BJ when he was so sick and frail, He also created him. He ordained BJ’s creation and birth. His plan was for BJ to be my child before I’d even considered having baby… and if we’re meant to have another child He’s done and will do the same thing again. I’ve mentioned before that BJ wasn’t planned. But, what I never mentioned was that I got pregnant the one and only time the Hubster and I didn’t use protection. And in that one time BJ was created… That is nothing less than an act of God. I can’t cherry pick what I’m going to depend on God for. I used to pray and ask God to let me get pregnant if we’re meant to get pregnant… and if we’re not for Him to make sure it doesn’t happen. But, that’s what happens regardless of whether I pray that prayer or not.
So basically, I have to lean on my faith a little further. I have to stop operating in fear and I have to open myself to the fact that while I may not have the pregnancy and childbirth that I’d like to have… even having a pregnancy at all is a gift from God and not to be questioned or scrutinized. I thought the hardest thing for me to do would be getting the Hubster on board, but now that he’s there I’m realizing that I may be my own biggest hurdle.
If you’re a praying person… pray for me. I’ve got to do better about practicing what I’ve been preaching.
“You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.”
― Maya Angelou