It’s hard outchea

So I’ve always been the kind of person who takes a set back and tries to figure out where I went wrong, what I could have done better and what I can do to keep it from happening again… I spent yesterday evening doing just that. Nine days in to what felt like the best start of a new year that I’ve had in years, and I’m listening to my gay BFF tell me how much he loves me and how great I am while I’m crying and asking him why no one wants to go past point A with me… the typical “what am I doing wrong” tears followed by him telling me how great I am and to be patient… you know the scene. We’ve all been there.

Anyways, he followed my pep talk with “Be good to your heart.” When he said it I felt like it was the most beautiful thing ever spoken. Because to be honest… I’m pretty much an open book. I want everyone I care about to feel it. I don’t want anyone to have any doubt about where my feelings for them lie. I don’t really have a 50% setting, you get as much of me as you can handle… But maybe that’s not the best way to do things? I can’t figure out if being good to my heart means to guard it. Because guarding my heart at that particular moment sounded like the best idea ever. I could put up barriers and only remove them when I’m 100% sure it’s safe. But the thing with barriers is that while I’m keeping my heart safe I’m not allowing anyone to touch it. And I don’t want to live a life where my heart is never touched. Where I only love at a distance but never with passion or spontaneity where no one has the ability to move me and everything is calculated.

A few sentences later my friend reiterated his “take care of your heart statement” and then followed it up with… “You first boo boo” And I realized that while it sounds good. And easy. And pain free… I’m just not built that way. I’m not a me first person. And I don’t really want to be. The trick is to meet another person who isn’t a me first person either. I can put him first and he put me first and in the end we’ll both be taken care of. That proves to be the hardest part. One of the major differences between dating now and dating before I met B. Is how “damaged” people are. I don’t know if it’s because I’m older now and most of us have been through so much by now. But people operate from a defensive strategy. People are so concerned about self preservation that they refuse to risk anything even if it means gaining a big reward. They can’t put the other person first because “what if that person doesn’t do the same?” Putting yourself out there is risky. But, I don’t want to be that person. I have been through hell… but that hell made me better. I refuse to let it make me scared. And I want someone who gives me a resounding “hell yeah” and not a maybe… Not a “Maybe later….” And I’m worth that. I want someone who is patient enough to build with me and understands that where we start isn’t where we’ll finish. But is excited about starting…

This was the first hiccup I’ve had in this new journey. I shed a couple tears, I threw a pity party… sent my best friend a couple of whoa is me text messages… And at some point I’ll dust myself off and get back on the horse.

I’m not everybody’s cup of tea… but that’s okay. I prefer coffee anyways.


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