We lost my great aunt Ruby last night. To a heart attack… she fell unconscious on the way to the hospital where they tried to revive her but couldn’t. This is almost the exact way Byron died. He was at a job site and she was on her way to the hospital… logistically different but similar enough to bring flash backs. And here I am again feeling like I lost all of the footing I gained. My emotions are everywhere. My Aunt Ruby was a quiet presence. My Bigmommy’s (grandma’s) best friend. When I was growing up she’d stop by unannounced and come sit with my grandma and gossip or watch soap operas. She’d fuss at us and we’d run through the alley that separated my grandma’s house from her house. When I think about my Bigmommy my Aunt Ruby is somewhere around the edge of that thought. She just is. She was one of our family’s remaining matriarchs and now there is only one.
She wasn’t feeling well the day before… neither was Byron. That’s been the hardest part for me to reconcile. My what ifs always hem solely on the fact that we didn’t know his “heartburn” wasn’t heartburn. Just as my Aunt didn’t know that her chest pains weren’t allergy related asthma. I won’t delve into the whole “if God ordained it then that’s how it was supposed to be” thing. Because that’s such a tangled web of thought for me. And a lot of my bitterness and anxiety stems from that.
So, anyways, here I am. Tired. Emotional. In need of a hug… or to be held. Sad. And reminding myself that the strength of these feelings will pass. They always do. Grief ebbs and flows unless triggered. It lingers around the edges some days like an annoying headache and other days it’s almost debilitating. My family is strong. We’ll come together. We’ll take care of each other and we will make it through this…
Another reminder of how quickly things change. How important it is to love on your people… and not waste time.
Rest in Heaven Aunt Ruby. You are loved and you will be missed.