On his birthday

Today is Byron’s birthday. His 4th birthday in heaven. I can’t believe how fast the time has flown by. The boys are growing and doing so well… life is okay. But on days like today it’s so hard not to focus on what life should be. I spend A LOT of my time trying to be grateful for what I have. I see what others are struggling with and I know that there but for the grace of God go my little family. God kept us through Byron’s death and continues to do so. So I don’t ever want Him to feel like I’m ungrateful for where we are.

But on days like today I think about how short our marriage was. How short Byron’s life actually was. Both of his parents and grandmothers out lived him. I think about how I never in a million years imagined that til death do us part would mean that we’d part so soon. I’m so jealous of the people celebrating double digit anniversaries. Of little grey haired old people walking hand in hand… of children playing with their fathers. BJ doesn’t even remember what it’s like to have a dad. And B2 never knew. And  some days it’s so freaking hard not to focus on those things. It’s so hard not to scream why me??? Why US???

And then I remember what I used to tell Byron when he’d ask that very question. “Why not you?” God never promised us easy. He only promised us that He’d never leave us. And He’s kept true to His word. He’s carried my little family so far and He’s given me peace that I never imagined I’d have when Byron passed. He’s given my family laughter. He gave my boys each other and He gave me them. I’m so grateful for those things. I’m grateful to know what love feels like even if it was only for a while. I’m grateful to have been able to fulfill my vows and love Byron for what was the rest of his life. There was a reason God gave me him and I’m so incredibly grateful…

And as with every anniversary and birthday… tomorrow will be a better day. I’ll climb out of this mental space and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Still fighting.

2 Replies to “On his birthday”

  1. Sometimes I feel out of place commenting on these words because you’re writings clearly aren’t for me but they are so inspirational and provide so much perspective. I imagine that this is of little consequence to you but for what it’s worth your words are therapy for more than just yourself and I thank you for sharing them…..Happy Born Day to your Husband.

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