I was at the gym (see yesterday’s healthier me post) changing into my work out clothes when one of the lady’s who works in the kids club comes running in frantic. BJ had been running and playing (as kids do) and ran into a sharp edge of a window divider. He was going to need stitches.
I calmly grabbed my bags and headed to the kids club. He was upset but a trooper. I taped his cut closed and we headed to the urgent care ER. That was where his calmness faded and his panic at the thought of stitches set in. He was so upset they decided to give him liquid stitches instead. We all knew we’d have to sedate him and the cut really wasn’t bad enough to have to go through that.
2 hours later we were headed home. What surprised me was my level of calmness. When panic happens, when I get overwhelmed, when something scary happens with the boys I almost always began missing Byron. It’s involuntary. My brain goes straight to “OMG why isn’t he here? I can’t do this…” But this time it didn’t. This time… I handled it. And emotionally I was ok.
I’m not entirely sure what that means. I was laying on the sofa last night and realized that we’d had an emergency and that I was okay. The boys were okay. And I was peaceful and proud. My big boy saw me step in and take charge in the kid’s club (the lady working there was about to have a panic attack… there was a ton of blood). He saw me look capable while I pretended I knew how to tape a wound shut. And my calmness spread to him. I held his hand and blew on the cut when the sting of the glue hit and talked him through things and calmed him down. We made a step in the right direction yesterday.
And this weekend we make our first road trip. We’re heading to see the boys cousin graduate from Texas Tech. A five hour drive and our first family hotel stay… BJ is SUPER excited. I’ve began thinking about the real possibility that it might just be the three of us. This single parenting thing may be the way things are. The boys wont always be small… things will get easier. And I’ve decided to enjoy it. I’m determined to enjoy it. And to feel as capable as I did yesterday. Somehow.