Smiling

It seems I do most of my deepest thinking at work (I’m not sure why that is). But I seem to sit here while typing and my mind will wander off to how I’m feeling and what I’m thinking at the moment. And today… I realized that I’m actually feeling okay. Not in the manic, weird, fake it til I make it way that I’ve been operating in. More so, in a kinda relaxed, semi calm, Kendrick Lamar “we gone be alright” kind of way.

BJ’s last day of school was yesterday and I’m ready to relax into the summer. I’m not in a rush to turn up and hang out like last year. I just want to relax, enjoy the sun and watch my kids laugh. On the weekends that they’re at their grandparent’s house I want to do things that benefit my life in some sort of way. Don’t get me wrong a brunch or two… a hang out with friends here and there is welcome also. But, I want to continue to focus on self care through it all. I want to figure out a way to continue to organize my life and de-clutter the dark spots of my mind…

I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER. I’m not sure when it happened but I finally feel good. I’m bracing myself for the next turn that life takes and I’m prayerful that it’s a good one. I’m praying for discernment when it comes to the people I surround myself with and ask God to remove anyone who isn’t down with my journey. I’m just not at a place where I can hold on to stragglers or emotional loiterers.

I’ve spent a lot of time waiting for something to happen so that I can be happy. I’m not doing that anymore. I’m going to focus on the now. And leave tomorrow for tomorrow… Byron worried about tomorrow so much sometimes and never even saw it. I’m going to take that lesson from him. Nobody said it was going to be easy… but this life is mine and I’m going to fight like hell to make this journey what I need it to be. ❤

#stillfighting

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