I saw this meme this morning… and it spoke to me. Some days I feel like I’ve grown so much… and then others I feel like I haven’t gotten anywhere on this journey. Everything I do that is out of my comfort zone scares the hell of out me. And then I retreat. I don’t believe I’ve ever been a runner before B passed away. I laughed at a challenge. I had confidence for days… And now some days I feel almost fragile. And it makes me SO MAD. Like who is this person crying? Why haven’t I said F*ck you? Why do I doubt everything?? Why can’t anything just be easy?? I feel like I’ve met my lifetime quota of f*cked up sh*t. At some point things should turn around and the narrator of my life story should say… “and she made it through and lived happily ever after.”
Is this growth? These storms and obstacles. This uncomfortable and unsatisfied space I’m in? All of this dreaded rain… And if so, why doesn’t it seem like other people have to go through hell to grow. What kind of mess is this, what backwards lottery did I win? What exactly am I growing into? I wish I knew the answers to these questions… it would make this confusing road a little easier to travel. It would give me a goal. I’d know what prize I’m going to win after beating all of the different levels. It would help me stand in the middle of all of the storms and be determined to make it through… instead of being worried about the possible monsoon I’ll get hit with once I dry off.
Don’t get me wrong. I love parts of who I’ve become. I love who I’ll be to someone someday (hopefully). I love how much I love people now. How grateful I am. I love that I no longer take anything or anyone for granted. These new traits have made me better… And I realize that I developed them through losing B. I just want to get to a place where my lessons aren’t learned through tears… But I trust that His plan… is better than mine… so… still fighting.