It’s been quite a while since I’ve written anything but as always… here I am. So much has changed so much remains the same. Both boys are in football. B2 is turning four and BJ has started 2nd grade. I’m working for a company that doesn’t stress me out. And outside of the normal day to day stress… dare I say… life is pretty good.
I’ve been dating. No real hits yet. Haven’t made a connection that has moved towards anything solid but the roller-coaster has been educational and entertaining. I’ve been thinking more and more about going back to school to solidify our financial stability. And have been thinking a lot about happiness. What I need to be happy and forcing myself to make the steps. I had a lot of “If I” and “when I” contingencies that I hadn’t realized I was operating in. I’d been waiting for something to happen or someone to come a long to make that happen. Last month sometime it finally clicked for me. I stopped putting so much stress on myself and decided to just take things day by day.
I was reading an article about widowhood and self esteem and the dive that it usually takes afterwards. The self-consciousness and the worry that typically follows and then inevitably the bad decisions. My bad decisions are a plenty. LOL. I’ve let go of things I should have held onto and held onto things I should have let go. I’ve made decisions based on fear instead of rationale and I tend to overthink things that should have been an easy decision to make. Now there has also been A TON of progress made in the most important areas of my life. So I definitely don’t want to sell myself short there. All of that being said… I’m conscious. And I’m headed in the right direction.
My faith in God has increased tremendously. He has shown up in some ways in my life that I know have been nothing but a blessing from Him. He’s protected my family and shown us so much love and care that I don’t have the accurate words to thank Him. I just turned 36 this month and looking back on the past year… I’m met with relief. It was TOUGH. The hardest year I’ve had since Byron died. There were days I would cry myself to sleep and dread the morning. One of my blessings and curses is that I’m able to look like everything in my life is amazing while I’m falling apart. But even that was hard to do this past year. But today and I can smile and feel optimistic. The boys are happy. They are loved. And so am I. And right now… that’s all that matters.