There are only 4 more days left of 2018… FOUR MORE DAYS. It seems like only yesterday I was running into 2018 with optimism hope for love and happiness and all things positive. https://fightingformysunshine.com/2018/01/02/happy-new-year-2018/
And here we are… a year has passed. But not much else has changed. Don’t get me wrong… there’s been growth. The boys are bigger and closer than ever. I’m still with the same company at work and things are good here as well. The changes made this year are more subtle. I’m stronger. A little more resigned to the fact that things are going to be what they are for a long time… and I’m momming at a better level… I don’t rush to panic when things go wrong and I’ve gotten better at not breaking down every time I have to adult alone.
This year I battled depression harder than I have ever since Byron passed away. I think I finally crawled out of survival mode and reality just hurt. The reality I hadn’t had time to think about. The pretending to be okay got to be exhausting and for the first time ever I couldn’t find a bright side. I fought my way to the other side…with the help of friends, family and a happy pill. But I now understood that “being depressed” is so much more than just feeling sad. This year reality was hard… and then it became a little less and less hard and I made it out okay.
I didn’t cry on Christmas. This was the first time. I came close… but I didn’t cry. My boys grandpa used to cry every Christmas… this year he made it almost to his truck before he broke down (he thought he’d made it without being detected but the boys decided to run out for one last hug and I saw him wiping tears). This past Christmas didn’t hurt. And that’s progress.
B2 is a genius. Okay, okay, I know I’m biased. But he’s super smart. He loves to give me kisses. And he’s ornery as a wet cat a lot of days… He’s quick witted and looks up to his brother in a way that makes my heart ache. BJ has somehow become his protector in the absence of Byron. And BJ accepts his role and takes it seriously.
BJ is my sensitive one. He’s grown more this year than anyone. He’s become stronger and more tough. He got into his first little scuffle and held his own. He’s grown leaps and bounds at school and continues to fight to catch up through learning disability diagnoses and ADD. He’s my little fighter. Though I refuse to allow him to feel he has to become the “man of the house” he’s becoming protective. He started tackle football this year and I saw him relax into a level of self confidence I’d never seen in him before.
They both love to dance and make my heart so full I feel like I can’t breathe sometimes…
2018 wasn’t traumatic (thank God). It was just one more year away from the year everything fell apart. I’m learning and evolving. I’m parenting and working and team momming and adulting… and trying to keep my head on straight through it all.
2019 my goals are going to be to cook more, be more organized, and be more focused on the boys educational goals.
That’s it. No weight loss. No man. Just things that will enhance my life and the boys life. They’re what God has blessed me with and I need to focus on being a better steward of that blessing.
Here’s to a good 2019 folks.
May you find love that loves you back, joy that makes you forget about all of your sorrow and peace that surpasses all understanding.