Things I wish I could tell you…on your birthday

I miss you.

Life has moved forward so much because it had to and sometimes I feel guilty for not standing still… for forgetting the way you smelled. I used to be able to feel your presence when you walked in a room. I loved seeing you walk into a room. I wish I’d known that the last time you walked out of a room…you’d never walk back in. I wish we’d had more time together. I wish you hadn’t always felt the need to carry the world on your shoulders. I hope you knew how much I loved you. I can’t remember if I told you before you left for work that day…

I’m so happy I found you. I loved being loved by you… you made me feel special and safe. We argued about the stupidest shit on Earth… but we also laughed. I was such a brat. And we were both so freaking stubborn. You loved our baby boy so much. And you would have loved our second boy so much. I hate that you didn’t get to meet him. I hate that he makes up memories with you because he has none. I hate that I have to do this without you. I’d give anything… to have one more conversation.

The confusing part.

Is that I want to move forward. Because I know I can’t change the past. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone. But I can’t imagine spending it with anyone else. I used to sleep with one of your shirts under my pillow. It still had your smell… and then one day it didn’t. And my life has been much the same way since. So many firsts that you haven’t seen. So many memories that you aren’t in. They aren’t as shiny without you there. And everything that should bring me joy also brings me a touch of sadness. And I hate it.

I feel inadequate. I was not made to be tough. I am not knowledgeable in the tough sports. I can’t teach your boys how to be men. Not the good strong men you would have raised them to be. BJ is going into the third grade and B2 is turning 5 in six weeks. They’re such amazing little humans. With a mom who is often tired. Who snaps at them when she’s frustrated and probably isn’t building them up as much as she should. But they’re so close. BJ is B2’s person. They argue but he takes care of him. B2 looks to him in so many ways and BJ embraces his role as his brother’s role model. I’m self conscious at sport events. I don’t really know what’s right to do… but I show up so BJ knows that I support him no matter what. I tell them my job is to protect them. And I think they believe that I can do it. Even if sometimes I don’t feel like I can.

Today is your birthday… but time stood still in 2014. You don’t really have birthdays anymore. And life is so damn unfair. I wish I could hug you again. Or lay in bed with my head in that spot on your shoulder where it fit so perfectly. I wish I could hold your hand in the car again… or put my feet on the dashboard while you drive. I wish I could watch you play with your boys or put your feet up while you watch ESPN. I wish I could sit in the chair in the bathroom and talk to you while you get ready to go to a jobsite. But mostly I wish I could turn back the hands of time and enjoy you more. Ignore the little stupid shit and memorize your walk more. I wish I could make you laugh one more time. Kiss you… tell you I love you make sure you believe it.

Because I miss you. Today. And Everyday…

#stillfighting

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