It’s been a while since I’ve written you a letter, so today (Good Friday) I thought I should. BJ…my growing, handsome, strong and resilient boy…. how I love you. You’re slowly turning into a preteen. You say the cool little phrases “you thought!” or “duh” and your little brother thinks you hang the moon. We have conversations now. You ask me questions that I have to actually stop and think about and lately you ask questions that I’m not really sure I’m ready to answer. I bought a book about where babies come from to read to you the next time you ask me. I’ll admit I’m a chicken. I’m not ready for your innocence to be lost, I want you to believe in the stork a little while longer. I’m not ready… but it’s my job to prepare you so we’ll talk. I want to create an environment where you feel comfortable telling me anything so the way I handle your questions is so very important. I cherish your trust. I want you to lean on me. I need you to know that I will always be here and that I love you. Your shoulders are getting wider like your daddy’s. You walk like him. You move your neck like him and sometimes you chew your tongue the way he used to when he was concentrating. You’re also a worrier like him. You often bring out of the blue topics up at bedtime and I know you’ve been thinking about them for a while. Sometimes our bedtime conversations last for almost an hour while we discuss what’s on your mind. No matter how tired I am, I pray you know you can always talk to me. You boss your brother around a lot. You pick at him. And you make him cry. But… you also protect him. You help him open his chips. You tie his shoes. When he hurts himself you give him hugs and ask if he’s ok. You are BROTHERS and I know the picking is natural, I know the fights are normal… all your mommy asks is that you always have each other’s backs. I believe you will. You make my heart so full.
B2… my sweet baby. You are my weakness… and I am learning to be stronger. You are my baby boy. You are the mama’s boy of the two. You still ask me to rock you sometimes even though you’re a 4 year old. You’re torn between a big boy and a toddler who still puts his head on his mommy’s shoulder and wants “uppie.” You give me soooo many kisses. Sometimes in the middle of playing you’ll run to me and say I love you mommy and give me a kiss. You just need me to know. And it’s the sweetest thing ever. You are beginning to work through what it means to have a dad in heaven. You tell me you miss daddy very often now. And I tell you I do too. You’re beginning your own grieving process… And just like your brother I will do my best to bring you through it as whole and complete as possible. You are so stubborn and you have your dad’s temper. You want what you want and I’ve admittedly spoiled you in some ways. You’re a charmer. You are so stinking handsome. You have learned how to turn on the charm when needed and it works for you sometimes. My goodness the ladies are going to love you. Your confidence and independence are challenging at this age. You’re emotional and it’s so hard to bring you back when you have a meltdown. But I’m learning if I just give you a hug sometimes instead of trying to talk you through it sometimes it makes things better. You get that from me. Some days all I need is a hug… and a shoulder and things just feel easier. Next year you start kindergarten… and you will begin to learn more structure and discipline. I’m curious about how that will go for you. You’re my wild child. You make me laugh so much. No one ever knows what’s going to come out of your mouth. You are my beauty for ashes.
BJ and B2… parenting is hard work. Parenting alone is hard work. I don’t always get it right. I don’t always say and do the right things. I’m learning how to be a parent while parenting so mistakes will be made. But I hope and pray that no matter how life twists or turns, you will always know how much I love you. How proud I am to call you my boys. And how empty my life would be without you. You are my purpose.