I have a habit of jumping into things with both feet, being a bit impulsive and THEN looking back and realizing that I’m having problems because I acted before thinking. I’ve been working on that this year. I’ve called this my year of sitting still. No going fast. No dating. No self induced negative energy. Just focusing on my family, my home and myself. I’ve been purposeful about doing nothing and not committing to anyone or anything. My girlfriends have stopped asking me to places because… no. And my months of no have been so freeing. I feel almost guilty when I say that this year has been needed. When B died I took two weeks off work (I hadn’t been at the job long enough to qualify for short term disability). I was pregnant and was now the only parent of a three year old. I had to go back to work to take care of us. Sitting in my grief was not an option no matter how hard it was.
I’ve spent the last 6 years running. Raising BJ and B2 and giving them as much as I can to make sure they weren’t missing out on anything more than the huge presence of their daddy. Tutoring, counseling, soccer, basketball, football, playdates… all of the things I felt they’d have if there were two people to drop off and pick up and do the teacher’s conferences and doctor’s appointments and haircuts. I been trying my best to not have growing up with a single parent be something that they have to use as a reason for being short changed later in life. But with this goal of mine is a certain level of exhaustion. I’ve asked myself in the past if I’d be a bad parent for just stopping it all and letting them pick it back up when they’re older and it’s easier but of course that’s never been an option. I could never be content with that. I’ve got one shot at this raising thing and I need to give them what they deserve because they’ve already received so much that they didn’t.
This year I’ve been able to stop with no guilt. I mean you can blame almost anything on a global pandemic. The boys haven’t had any practices or places to be and it’s been beautiful. The part I didn’t expect was that by sitting still and focusing on myself I’d begin remembering some of my own dreams and goals. There were so many things I used to talk about wanting to do before the bottom fell out of my life. I began seeing the possibility of accomplishing some of my goals AND being mommy. Recharging my battery has given me time smell the roses, refocus on the things that had been pushed to the back of my mind, and come up with a better game plan for the future than just keep pushing.
Work is still irritating, the boys can still be exhausting (they’re still their energetic, loud, funny selves), and I still don’t parent well after 8pm LOL… but I’m optimistic and I’m happy.
#still fighting #butfocused