People tend to believe that being a single mother is the same as being a widowed mother. On the exhausting nights when you want a break and there’s no one to hand your child to for a break I’m sure it is… there are similarities in both paths. But there’s also a stark contrast between the two. And that contrast is so vast it renders the two incomparable. I am not a single mother, I’m not divorced, I’m not somebodies baby mama… I’m a widowed mother. There was no choice involved in my situation. And life is about choices.
I didn’t invite the wrong man into my life, I didn’t decide we were better apart than together, I didn’t come to a decision, I didn’t create my situation. In fact it was the exact opposite. I was married, to a man I loved who I loved and loved me back, who made me happy who was a wonderful father who would give the world to his family if he could. And he died.
I had no choice.
He didn’t pack a bag and walk away, no Uhaul pulled up to my house, my babies don’t get every other weekend and Wednesdays. He’s gone. We’ll never hear his voice, see him walk through a door, he won’t be there to discipline my sons when they get older, he won’t be able to teach them how to become men even if it’s from a different address. He’s gone.
We had no choice.
There is only me. Just me. I’m the only parent my babies have left. I am not one half of what used to be a couple. I am WHAT IS LEFT of what used to be a couple. There is no co parenting. I’m not a single mother… I am a widowed mother.
Please don’t compare the two of us. Don’t try to find similarities. Don’t say you understand how I feel. Because you don’t. Not as long as your child is able to wrap his arms around his father and give him a hug. Not as long as you’re able to call your child’s father and talk about how your child is doing, not as long as he’s supporting his kid in any way… Because if there’s a dad in the picture you don’t understand. And if you made the decision for him not to be a part of your child’s life… the blessing there is that it was your choice. Your parenting partner and you may just live in different zip codes. Mine doesn’t live. period. And THAT is the difference.