Alone in my thoughts

I’d consider myself a people person. I love talking, connecting, interacting… basically all forms of communication. So something that I’ve noticed about myself lately is my lack of desire to interact with people. Now before people start screaming about the signs of depression I’ll beat you to the punch, hell yes I’m depressed but I’ve been depressed for the last 10 months and still wanted to talk to people.

I do a self check every once in a while. I’d consider myself very self aware. I know that it’s absolutely impossible for me to be hit with all that I’ve been hit with in the last almost year and not show any battle scars. A person can’t walk through hell on Earth without getting a little charred in the process. My self check is to make sure that I’m functioning okay and being the best mom for my babies that I can be. During that check I usually check my patience levels and try to decide if I’ve been being impatient with BJ. And then I step back and remind myself that BJ has only been on this Earth for 4 years. When I put it that way my expectations decrease and my tolerance levels increase. I can’t expect perfection. It’s normal for him not to listen all the time he’s just being a 4 year old and I’m just exhausted. But I digress…

I majored in chitter chatter, small talk, gossip and all things who, what, when, where and why before Byron passed. I could talk on the phone for hours about absolutely nothing. And I was happy doing it. But lately I can see my phone ringing and walk right past it. I sigh at the effort it takes to have a conversation. It takes effort to drudge up enough give a damn to actually give a damn. And this is so NOT LIKE ME.

My sister told me the other day that I’d changed. No judgement passed, no shade. Just speaking her truth… and I told her that’s what happens when you go through bad stuff; your perspective changes. What’s important changes… and it’s so incredibly hard to fake you care when you don’t. Do I think this is a permanent thing? No. I think it’s just where I am at the moment. It’s a part of my healing process… and more than likely temporary.

On the other hand…

The flip side to all of this is I hate being by myself. Odd right? I don’t want to talk to you but I want to sit next to you and watch tv.

Being by myself is depressing as hell… and I never had that problem before. In the past couple of weeks I’ve actually driven over to my mother in laws house and sat on her sofa while she was supposed to be giving me a break and taking care of BJ. Can you imagine? She came to pick him up so I can get some rest, and I find an excuse to come by so I’m not sitting at my house by myself. All of this just for some person to person interaction. I’ve found myself looking forward to going back to work after a long weekend because there are people there. Who does that? Yes BJ and B2 are people but lets just say deep conversation is not their strong suit at this point in time (unless it’s about ninja turtles). What I miss most about Byron, more than the laughter, partnership, sex (a close runner up) is the companionship. I miss coming home to a person who was happy to see me. I miss catching his eye across the room and knowing exactly what he was thinking. I miss laying next to him in bed at night talking about nothing until we fell asleep… Unlike my desire to toss my cell phone in the toilet… my need to be around people is probably more permanent. I think a person has to be pretty comfy in their own skin to be okay with being by themselves… and I’m not there yet. I’m relearning myself. Figuring out my new purpose…

And of course fighting for my sunshine.

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2 Replies to “Alone in my thoughts”

  1. This makes me so sad. I think it is so wise of you to keep tabs on yourself, to be aware of all that you have been through and the changes you are experiencing. Hugs and keep fighting.

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