March 5th I got a call that no one wants to receive… A hospital in the neighboring city had my husband and according the doctor he was critical and I needed to come right away, she wouldn’t give me any other information. My big beautiful husband hadn’t been sick that morning so I knew that it was bad, my gut told me it was bad… I called my mom on the way to the hospital who immediately called my dad and began packing, she knew it was bad also. I arrived to the hospital and was brought to a room where my worst fears were realized. He was gone. Heart failure… his beautiful giving, loving heart had stopped working. I left for work that day a wife and mother and returned home a widow. After only a year and a half of marriage I was planning my husband’s funeral.
I was also two months pregnant.
I’ve since had our little boy, who looks exactly like my hubby he’s a bundle of joy and everything we wanted when we began trying. In one day my world was turned completely upside down. Everything that once was… wasn’t. I grieve, long and ache for my hubby… his absence is a hole that cant be filled. I’m still working my way through the hell we were tossed in. And this is a step towards that. This is a post that I had to write in order to begin writing again. I’m not sure where this blog will go but not writing this felt like unfinished business. It felt like my little web world was still living a lie. It was still stuck in before while I was living the after. I’ll continue to write but about what I’m not so sure…
I’ve got two littles now and no big… With the holidays here the void is huge and heavy. It’s a weight I carry day in and day out. BJ has had to endure a loss no child should have to endure and he’s having to understand things that even I don’t understand. Why us? Why my family? How could God be so cruel? Because in his little world daddy left one day and never came home again. We had no idea that his good bye kiss would be our last.
I spend most days trying to keep up. Keep up with the house work, making sure the baby’s needs are met, working and trying to focus on the present. The future is so unknown… even more so now that I know that anything can happen. An innocence has been lost in more ways than one. I’m the only parent my babies have left and the weight is heavy.
BJ and B2 are the happiest little boys ever… I thank God for that every day. I spend a lot of my time trying to make sure that things are “normal” for them. BJ sees me crying less and less, because the days of tears and breakdowns weren’t good for him. They were unavoidable for me but he needs a rock and I have to be that for him. I swore to Byron the day he passed that I’d do everything within my power to make sure they are happy. I’d give them everything we planned on giving them and I’ll make sure they know how much he loved them and how proud he was to be their daddy. The fact that BJ is doing so well is a testament to the late nights I’ve spent reading literature on children’s grieving and the tons of love and support he receives day in and day out from me and our family and friends. He’s doing better than I expected and has come a long way from panicking when I walked out of a room. His separation anxiety has decreased a lot and I anticipate him relaxing more and more. Unfortunately he found out at the age of three that nothing lasts forever and bad things happen to good people. A lesson some adults haven’t fully learned.
I on the other hand have looked my worst nightmare in the face. I lost part of my soul last March that will never be found. And in my quiet times when I don’t have to put on my “happy face” I cry, I scream and I curse our new life because this shouldn’t have happened to us.
But it did… and I’ll continue to get up everyday fighting… for my future, for my babies, for Byron… for my sunshine.