Happy New Year #2018

When the clock struck midnight this year I was laughing… LAUGHING. Who’da thunk it? I have cried my way into the New Year every single year since B died. There’s something sad about starting another year… by yourself. Going into yet another year without a loved one. I remember when I could tell you the number of days that had passed since B died. Every Wednesday I’d think… Another week… or another month. And then all of a sudden a year had passed. And the calendar had changed years. So while sitting on the couch waiting for midnight a sadness has always creeped in. Here I am again… time is passing by and I am standing still. Here I am… further away from the last time I was hugged and kissed by someone who loved me. Further away from time spent with a man who chose me… over everyone else. And further away from the last time I was told I love you by a man who loved me… all of me. New year’s eve has always been hard. But this year… I wanted different. I NEEDED different.

We had a winter cold front hit on New Year’s eve. The weather dropped down to the teens. And all I could think about was “crap… I’m going to be back on the couch again tonight.” But this year I didn’t WANT to be on the couch. Instead of dropping the boys off at their grandparent’s house so I could be in my feelings alone. I’d dropped them off with hopes of a good time with no need to go home and clear my head and cry… and that was such a welcome feeling (and I’ll admit a little scary)… So all day long I anticipated something different. My milestones are so unnoticeable… This was such a huge thing to me but nothing I’d think anyone I am close to even realized I was thinking about. The last time I left my house for new years eve I left it with B. We went out with a group of couples and partied the night away. B had just bought the suit he wore and I went and found a dress… he complimented me all night and I loved the way the suit he wore looked on his tall frame and broad shoulders. It was my last fun night out with B (we got pregnant shortly after) and he passed away a month after that. I buried him in his New Year’s suit. I made a ton of New Years resolutions for 2014 and not a single one of them was realized because my life changed so soon after…

I didn’t really make another resolution until 2016. I couldn’t focus on any resolutions for the  first two years after B passed, my only goal for those two years was surviving. My new years resolution for 2016 was to meet people and get out of my hermit status. I knocked it out of the ball park. I joined an online group of people who hung out and went out a lot and FORCED myself to leave the house. I remember hating the first event I went to. I sat in the car for 45 minutes before going inside talking to my sister who hyped me up to leave the car. I went inside, sat on a bar stool in the kitchen and didn’t leave the bar stool until it was time to go. I spoke to the people nearest my stool and I stayed for about 2 hours. The next event was easier, I continued to go and meet people and socialize and it slowly began feeling less forced and at some point I began enjoying myself. In 2016 I began to smile again.

My goal for 2017 was to find more happiness. I wanted to travel, get some things done around my house that would make it feel more like a home and less like a place that stored our stuff, and work more on my health and body. 2 out of 3 isn’t bad. I went to New York, New Orleans and the ACL Music festival in Austin. I laughed, hopped on a couple of planes and continued to go out with some of the people I’d met in 2016. I worked out crazy hard for about 3 months and that fell off when BJ started football. But even being a football mom didn’t suck this year. I finally feel like I got the hang of some of the parenting struggles I was having and began sprinkling in a few things that made me happy along the way. I got a fence installed, and the boys got a trampoline and football goal… I did some kitchen renovations and created a chalkboard wall for the kids. Our house feels more like a home than it ever has. I’d call that a successful year. The kids are happy and thriving and I’ve made progress and am smiling with more than just my teeth.

My goals for 2018 are to get healthier so I can be a better me for my boys, become more financially sound, and hopefully catch the happiness I’ve been pursuing for the last almost 4 years. I’m not sure what it looks like, I don’t know if happiness is just balance, appreciation for where I am in life and optimism for the future… I don’t know if it means finding love and partnership or peace with being alone. It might just mean less mental confusion and more clarity… happiness can look a lot of different ways depending upon where you are at the time. Either way… I’m ready and hopeful… and as always… still fighting.