There are days when I feel like life sucks but I will get through each day step by step… some days I actually feel like I’m doing well at moving forward and doing what needs to be done for my boys and then there are days like today. Where I toss and turn, wake up tired and feel like I’m walking through quick sand all day knowing that instead of looking forward to getting off work at 5pm my day won’t end until both boys are in bed. Then wash.Rinse. And Repeat.
Lately I’ve been so tired. Not just physically tired… mentally tired as well. There’s something to be said for looking forward to your day and I can say with a lot of certainty that I haven’t had a day like that since Byron passed. I get up, do what needs to be done and go to bed so that I can do it again the next day. I know that the fact that I have a 4 month old doesn’t help and maybe I’d be just as exhausted if Byron was here… but I doubt it. Byron was a provider, if I needed a break he made sure I had it, he took care of me. And now, I take care of myself and 2 littles. I know that when you give a lot of yourself it’s important to make sure that your pot is replenished but I haven’t figured out how to do that. There’s honestly not enough time in the day and not enough energy at the end of it to do anything but go to bed.
My goal for 2015 was to begin to find happiness again. I realized while standing in my closet crying this morning that I don’t know how to do that. I don’t even know where to begin. Right now my goal is to make sure that my boys are happy… and they are. They’re too little to notice that mommy’s smile doesn’t reach her eyes often and they can’t tell when my back is turned that my voice is full of tears. My boys are full of giggles and squeels, my oldest is a bundle of energy and imagination and they are progressing better than I could have ever imagined. So I guess for now that’s enough.
Happiness is something I think of when I think of what my life used to be, just like love, affection and family are all past tense right now. I pray that one day I’ll wake with a smile again… a real one. But until then… I’ll continue to put one foot in front of the other and fight…