This has been a long week. I think the loss of Byron is finally hitting BJ. He’s been more emotional than usual and acting out at school in ways that he never has. He’s also told me in the middle of tears and frustration that he “wants his daddy.” This past Wednesday was the first time he’d ever said that to me without me initiating it or asking him about his feelings. He was mad at me for fussing at him, started crying and told me he wanted his daddy. I felt sucker punched. Of course he wanted Byron… I want him too.
Being the only parent sucks, A LOT. I miss being able to get frustrated and hand BJ to Byron to go cool down and refocus myself. I hate being the bad cop. I hate being the disciplinarian. Because at this age I feel like there’s more discipline than fun. Will BJ grow up to resent his “mean mommy?” Will he ever understand that this life we’re living isn’t the life I wanted either? Will he be bitter, destructive or angry when he gets older and realizes exactly how much he is missing out on?
I’ve been thinking a lot about the term Kingdom Work. Lately. After all isn’t that what we moms are doing? We’re doing what God made us to do… mother. I’ve done what my body was made to do twice and brought forth two little human beings. It’s now my responsibility to train them up in the way they should go. No one ever said it would be easy. But I never imagined it would be this hard. I’m becoming stronger… I’m looking at the road ahead of us, trying not to see an uphill battle. Trying to look at what I’ve been tasked with as an honor. A privilege to raise two boys into young men of worth. Kingdom Work… Jesus work. That’s what I’m doing… working within the will of God and praying that if I just stay close to Him he’ll order my steps in the way that I’m supposed to go.
Praying that I will not fail at this. I know nothing about being a boy and even less about how to get from boy to man… but prayerfully I’ll guide my boys through this gap successfully.
Kingdom Work… I love the sound of that.