It’s been quite a while since I’ve posted anything… but I’ve felt like writing for quite a while and just now have a minute to get something down. I find myself writing in my head some days… I’ll lay down at the end of the day and think about the post I’d like to write, I pen it in my head. But, when it comes down to sleeping or writing sleep always wins.
It’s been almost 15 months since I lost Byron… and I’m still here. Surviving. Fifteen months ago the worst part of my day was waking up. I’d open my eyes and reality would set in, my brain would clear and I’d think to myself…”Shit, this is really my life. It happened in real life, it wasn’t all a dream.” And I’d have to get up and start my day. Every day I dreaded the next day… Time felt heavy.
Today things are different. I wouldn’t say I feel better… but I’ve learned to live with the heaviness. There are moments of happiness where things feel normal but then I remember that my new normal isn’t the normal I was supposed to have, then the heaviness usually readjusts and sets back in. I’m still fighting for the happiness that my boys deserve… the happiness that I know in my heart Byron would want us to have.
I find that in my case, because every widows walk is different, I make a consious effort to be happy. I work my butt off to pull myself out of the darkness that lingers around the edges most days. And it’s hard as hell. I still can’t think about my boys growing up with out getting sad… BJ playing basketball, learning to play the piano next year, B2 getting a year older, all of the things that we used to look forward to have become sad things… Because Byron should be coaching, working with him with his school work, beside me cheering as B2 starts to crawl. Milestones are a part of raising kids but each one reminds me that it’s just one more that I’m experiencing alone. Instead of crying though, I choose to cheer louder, smile bigger and make sure that my boys feel as much love as they can because sadness would only affect them negatively. They’ll have enough negative effects from the loss of Byron as they continue to walk the path of boys and eventually young men with no father present.
My battle at the present time is trying to stay in the present. Looking too far down the road gets overwhelming. How do you plan for the future without focusing on it? Day to day life for me right now is exhausting. It’s a 5am to 10pm marathon. There are so many things I want to do for myself that I can’t fit in. There are so many things I’d like to do with the kids that I can’t fit in… Just the mere act of keeping my head on straight and taking care of the boys is all consuming… B2 had an double ear infection, a sinus infection and a tooth coming in. For almost two weeks straight I got 4 hours or less of sleep. B2 was understandably miserable… and so was I. I miss the days of taking turns, of “you go sleep in the guest room tonight and get a full nights rest” it’s just me so when duty calls I’m the only one there to answer. I think I spend so much time just surviving that some times I don’t take the time to actually do a mental check to see where I’m at. And of course if you go to long burning the candle at both ends you eventually burn out… burning out isn’t an option.
So, that’s where I’m at. Taking care of my boys, trying to toss something in for myself here and there to keep sane and missing Byron. Missing our old life but trying to appreciate my new one. I haven’t figured out how to be happy for what I have when it is almost exactly what I never wanted for myself. But, hopefully with time I’ll be able to figure that out…
Until then…still fighting.