Still Fighting

It’s 2022… A 2021 recap

To say that time flies by is an understatement. I mean… time really does get away from us. I haven’t posted anything since February 2021. That’s INSANE. BJ is eleven and B2 is seven and my heart is full. Today I read back over all of my “walking wounded posts.” I’ve been feeling funky and saw that every year in January I make a post basically stating that I feel off or anxious, different than my normal self. It’s a thing that I just accept as impending emotional disturbance. Much the same way we have muscle memory I think we have emotional memory and that’s okay. The holidays were fun this year. We’re still global pandemic-ing, but this year my parents, brother and his family and sister were with us for Christmas. There was a sense of normalcy and I’ll take it!! The boys are big boys now. BJ has relaxed into a more tween calm sense of being and B2 is his normal bossy self. Work is… work. But I’ve been working from home most of the past year and the work/life balance has been amazing for my mental health and organization. I have absolutely no complaints there.

I’ve been seeing someone. I feel like it’s worth mentioning because this is a new chapter for me. I’m not sure where (if anywhere) this will go. But I’ve proven to myself that I’m capable of moving forward and that’s a milestone to be acknowledged.

I changed the format for the blog today… I created chapters. Before the storm (the before), When Darkness Fell (the walking wounded) and Sunshine with a Chance of Clouds (Still fighting). Mostly because I don’t believe I’m wounded anymore. Not in the sense that I meant it in for this blog. I was for a long time but (thankfully) I feel like I’ve moved into a new chapter one with a bit more healing. At one point I realized that I’m not even the same person I was when I was married. How could I be with so many years and so much change since then? I had to change certain aspects of myself just to survive the toll life took for a while. Don’t get me wrong, I still love who I am. Actually, in some ways I’m more proud of this version of me because it took SO MUCH WORK to get here. I think Byron would be so proud of the boys and I also. I imagine seeing him in Heaven one day and getting that big ole bear hug and him saying “I knew you could do it!!” I’m no longer limping along. I have rough days for sure because… well doesn’t everybody? But, thankfully with time and God (and some therapy here and there) things have moved forward and the pain dulled from a sharp agonizing pain to an ache here and there that I’ve learned to live with. I look back on ‘The Before’ with a smile and I’m so incredibly thankful. We were a happy family unit and I was so well loved. Two amazing boys were created out of that love and I was able to share love with a man who deserved every bit of it. Thank God for that.

2021 in summary… Hit Hard. I thought 2020 was the worst it could get but in April I lost a really close friend to suicide. I would have never imagined… the guilt, the questions that will never be answered, the constant wish that something could have been done to prevent it was/is hard. I struggled with losing another “person.” I didn’t think I had the resilience in me to grieve again. I STRUGGLED. There were three people in my close friends circle and now there are only two. Our group chat became silent and my best friend and I leaned on each other in ways we’ve never had to before. I struggled with being “that girl” again. I never wanted to be “poor her” again. Once again, the love and support received was so beautiful and appreciated it’s hard to put in words. This isn’t a position I feel comfortable in and frankly I’m tired of being “her.” But I’ve come to realize that there’s nothing I can do about it except try to be as loving and supportive to others in their time of need that others have been to me. I began counseling again after losing Crystal and really began to focus on what I needed to be the best version of me and in 2021 I pulled all of the stops to get it. I had a hysterectomy and didn’t think twice about no longer being able to have kids so I think that means I was pretty resolved in not wanting any more babies. I lost about 30 pounds and my confidence rose a few notches. I began to longer just feel like “mom” I started to feel more like ME. And for that reason alone I will count 2021 a year of progress.

2022… I’m being cautiously optimistic. I’m determined to give the boys more experiences, more love, more laughter and lessons. I want us to grow closer to God as a family and I want them to continue to grow in a positive direction. As for myself. I’ll continue to fight for happiness, growth, love, balance and to make myself proud of who I am as a person and a mother.

Happy New Year Y’all


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