The calm after the storm…

Yesterday was hard… I felt like I’d been throat punched every time I tried to breathe for most of the day. That wasn’t my first day feeling that way and I’m sure it won’t be my last. Grief has a way of sneaking up on you and the sucker punching the hell out of you. It waits until you’re feeling good and then as if to say “Oh no you didn’t…!!!” it slaps the taste out of your mouth and you have to force yourself to get back up again.

I spent a lot of my day yesterday in tears… I just had one of those why me, why us, I can’t do this, I don’t want to do this… days. I felt awful from the moment I opened my eyes to the minute I fell asleep. Some days just suck. But I’ve noticed along this journey that a lot like after a really good thunderstorm the day after seems a lot more clear and crisp. Crying really does cleanse the soul. This morning I got up… woke my boys up and started my day. I smiled when B2 opened his little eyes and smiled at me (yesterday I cried because Byron would have loved his toothless little smile). I hugged BJ for a little longer than normal when he climbed in my lap for a little bit of a snuggle (because tomorrow’s not promised and one day he may not want to snuggle me anymore). This morning my appreciation for life…my life… returned.

The key to this roller coaster that I’m on is to continue fighting. And it’s one hell of a fight. I get tired as hell… as I stated yesterday. Some days seem all up hill, like my life is a prison sentence and not a blessing. And some days I lose the fight. Sometimes it’s hard to snap myself out of the why me’s and it takes someone else to help pull me out mentally.

Yesterday Byron’s best friend did that for me…

His words. “You are going through the trenches, going at it all alone, with no future to look forward to other than raising those boys. But one day Byron is going to speak to you telling you that you must move forward and get yourself together and at that instance you’ll realize that no matter what you must also live for you”…

I know that his words are true. I know that Byron would be so incredibly sad if he knew of the hole he left in my heart when he died. His biggest joy was to bring joy to his family he’d be so upset if he knew that my joy left when he did. So when Joe told me that I’d have to start living for me I knew that his message was something Byron would want me to take to heart. I live for my boys right now and that’s okay because I’m living…and it’s a step in the right direction. But one day I’ll have to add myself to the list.

I’m still at such a loss as to how to begin living for myself. How do I rebuild a life that I never wanted? I know it’ll take time. And I know that grief will continue to sneak up and jump on my back every once in a while. But in the between times when I’m thinking clearly and functioning through the pain my new focus will be to learn to live for me. And hopefully happiness will follow.

Still fighting…

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